Wednesday, June 15, 2005

the negative side

I'm having difficulty posting genius today. I think perhaps I am preoccupied with my friend Anna's love life. See, even when I'm in a brilliant relationship with an exceptional man-- which is just going to get more brilliant and exceptional in less than a week--I still let love get me down, even if it's only vicariously.

Perhaps, I am just avoiding my own anxieties because Jack moves to Brooklyn, in six days! We've been living apart for so long it's like it's not even real. I guess I am a bit nervous how this is all going to playout. He'll be staying with me for a bit until he finds a place. He wasn't able to secure a residence abroad. It's hard to look for apartments while helping the Grasstein tribe of Inkantile make a giant clock out of sand. As if Inkantile gets the Village Voice. I'm not concerned about the first couple of weeks. They'll be blissful. Those two weeks will be just like his bi-annul visits, where happiness envelops us just because we're in each other's presence. But, at week three the realization that this is our life, we are an actual couple who share a physical life together. And I don't mean sex. I mean we will be, physically in each other's space having to deal with one another-- our quirks, our insecurities and our immature way of dealing with those insecurities, and his ridiculous need to be a Steeler's fan. I know he worked for them and all, but you don't see me still carrying a torch for the Blue Man show.

I guess I see the difficulty many of friends, like Anna, are having and I wonder if Jack and I will be any different once in the same space. Do I have a control over my feelings? I do have control over my actions though sometimes it feels like my emotions are leading that chaos. Maybe I have a great deal of power on how this relationship pans out.

If I think it I can make it true.

2 comments:

Carolyn said...

Is Jack like "The Importance of Being Ernest" Jack or is he for real, yo? Don't play with my emotions, Parenta - I'm preggers - I can't handle this roller coaster of love!

rachael said...

maybe a better question to ask would be, "what is real?"