My 2016 Platform

I can't wait until I'm old enough to run for president. I have some great ideas for this country. The other day I learned that the Iraq war has cost over $1 trillion dollars. That's quite a bit of money. I don't think I'll ever make that much money as a stand-up comedian even if I do get a career, but maybe I'm selling myself short. Perhaps, if I just implement some positive thinking I could earn $1 trillion dollars. Like if I went over to a foreign land and just killed everyone with laughter. My only expense would be plane fare over to said foreign country and some incidentals. After slaying the enemy with my jokes I could then charge the U.S. government $1 trillion bill. That is the going price for a contemporary war. Well, it's a thought. Though, not a presidential one. My great presidential thought is the following. Next time we U.S. citizens are thinking of going to war we should abstain. Then, we take $1 trillion and divide it among all working adults in the U.S. To qualify as a working adult in the U.S. you have to be a legal citizen over the age of 18 who has worked 75 days or more in the year we divide up the trillion dollars.

Let's do the math. If every single person in the US was over 18 and working and there are approximately 301 million people that means every person would receive $3322.25. Which isn't allot of money. But there are a ton of children in this country. I don't know how many the Internet wouldn’t tell me, nor would the census bureau answer my calls. Perhaps, I shouldn't have called on a Sunday. But if we take a conservative figure that we all children are only children (and therefore amazing individuals with many gifts and talents) every third person would be a child as it takes two adults to produce one child. That gets our population down to 201 million increasing our non-war reimbursement fund to $4975.12 per person. Now we're getting somewhere. We're talking a summer vacation on a cruise. Granted cruises are a big waste of money, but the government was going to waste that money anyway, and some people have allot of fun on cruises, while others die of Legionnaire’s Disease.

Next, we subtract the growing numbers of illegal immigrants. Illegal immigrants don't pay taxes so they don't get a cut of the non-war fund pie. Which I also think would peer pressure the illegals to return to their homelands. When they see ther rest of us going on our cruises and they have to stay behind and work they are going to be a little despondent and jealous. They'll probably say, "Fuck this, I'm going home." Well the British and Irish illegals would say that, the other ones don't speak English so they'd be saying something else. Which means we can eliminate the department of immigration. We save money as tax-payers on what will become an obsolete department, plus those working for the department will be unemployed and therefore they won’t qualify for a cut of the pie. Then we can make our kids pick fruits and vegetables. The kids would love it. Have you ever seen a little kid’s face light up as he carries a bushel of apples from a day of apple picking? Migrant farm work would substitute for costly day care. Farmers and other employers would do a good job looking after your kids. They’d have to it’s their work force. They don’t want their work force all hopped up on chocolate. There are 30 million illegal immigrants. I'm guessing. 201 million - 30 millions = 171 million.
Now, 12% percent of the US is over 65 years old. This I actually found on the census bureau’s website. 65 is the age of retirement so those people aren't putting in the 75 days of paid work they need to qualify for my fund. 12% of 171 million is 20,520,000. Subtract that number from 171 and you get approximately 150 million people.
Let’s take a look at the women folk. Ladies make up 50% of the population (or so) but only half of the US women work. I mean, if you're a lady and you're not going to get hired for a job that actually pays well, why bother working at all. This eliminates another 25% of the population this gets us down to 112,500,000 working people.

Let us remember to deduct full time students, those studying art and liberals arts will never fully join the work force—that’s promising. We have to also subtract the number of potheads most of whom don’t work and just leech off their friends—go medical marijuana! Add to the subtraction sheet regular drug addicts, people locked up in insane asylums, people in jail, Hollywood actors, semi-pro athletes and you're down to what? Like 5 million people who work 75 days a year. Which means that all of us will get $200,000 for a year. The whole country could take a years vacation. Now doesn't that sound like fun?

Maybe we could take a road trip to Canada or I know I've always wanted to hike the Inca Trail. I think we'd have a lot of fun vacationing as a country. It could be something that really bonds us as U.S. citizens plus saves money on immigration, and child care. You could even take that $200,000 and buy a house or pay for health insurance. The point is the choice is up to you not me.

“2016 No More War. More Days Off.”


Feroz said…
A regular reader of your blog - it's some good stuff.
Keep up the brilliant writing ;)
Anonymous said…
Wow. You are just so supper cool.
Or think you are.

Thanks for the time-waste.