Monday, October 22, 2007

When Presumption Kills the Mood

I've heard that sometimes when women pick up a man with whom to make-out or have sex they sometimes have to endure certain pointless talks. One woman told me once that a dude said to her, right before they were going to kiss, "I know that it seems like 'it's on!' right now. But I need to stop. Before anything happens I want to be open and honest with you and let you know that I'm not looking to be in anything committed. I am seeing other people. Well, I plan to. OK?" In fact I've been told this has happened on three other seperate occassion and only once was the girl in any sort of relationship with the fella.

Many of you people, who are like me and in a relationship, think I'm making this up. I swear I'm not. I know it's hard to believe that a man would ruin the mood and be so presumptious as to think a woman he just met would want him to be her boyfriend. I guess maybe if she were homeless and needed a place to live and was hoping to trade sex with a place to stay--forever. But, it happens to women who have a place to live and a career to pursue. Now, I know that I'm in a loving committed relationship with my boyfriend Jack, but I still fill the need to help my single sisters out there in the dating world. If any of you ladies find yourself with a gentleman caller who doesn't have enough sense to be "open and honest" with you in the bar, laundrymat, library, or where ever you met him, I have some responses you might want to consider.

1) If you don't care about getting any that evening (and clearly this partner you've found in a bar doesn't) you can verbally castrate him. You can say something like, "Umm. I'm sorry. You're not really boyfriend material. I mean look at you. You live in this dump, and have a shitty job (say this even if he makes alot of money, like if he works at an Investment Bank call him an office monkey with no balls who is a slave to "the man."), and if this is the way you always dress there is no way I can introduce to my friends, never mind my family."

2) Fuck with him. This one is the most fun. Begin to cry and say, "What you mean you can't be my boyfriend? I found these last 3.5 hours at the bar magical. When I went to the bathroom I secretly texted my mother to retrieve her wedding dress from storage. I told her 'I have found "the one."' I can't believe you're breaking up with me like this. Doesn't the vodka and cranberry we shared mean anything to you? What about the great memories. Like when Luna's song 'Tiger Lily' played on the jukebox and we both knew all the words. It's not everyday you meet someone who is so into pretentious, indie rock. For the love of god, please don't leave me! Reconsider!" Then blow your nose into his shirt, drop down to the floor, grab onto his leg, and don't let go."

3) Or, since he's being so honest, why not you also be honest. You can say something like. "I think it's only fair and proper to also be honest and open with you, since you've been so honest with me. I want to let you know I'm not really looking for a boyfriend right now, well I am, but I have specific one picked out and that's where you or anyone else with decent hygene comes in. What I really want is someone to make-out with me in public. I would like to invite you to certain events and bars where men I used to date will be attending, and then make-out in front of them in the hopes to create jealousy or anger. Don't worry none of the men I have ever dated would hit you or anything, they're like you and not so manly...I mean, more sensitive. I have a type. I don't like to be sexual with someone who could kill me. Afterwards we may have sex in private, but I don't want to promise anything. Granted, I do need to have sex with one more person to reach my sexaul partner goal, I don't know if that'll be you, but it could be, but if it's not I don't want you to be dissappointed because I misspoke. I wouldn't want you to try to rape me and say that I promised you something. I'd hate to have to fustigate you with the broom handle I keep next to my bed. You know? I don't want you to get hurt, physically or emotionally. So would you be interested in helping me be emotionally manipulative? Because that's all I can give right now."

They're just ideas to help combat the ridiculousness of single men.

(no, this wasn't the sex story. I promise to get to that)

1 comment:

Nina Paley said...

Granted, I do need to have sex with one more person to reach my sexaul partner goal

It's almost worth dating just to use that line.