Monday, July 11, 2005

Alcohol and You Perfect Together!

Newly pregnant ladies! If you have trepidation about the pain of giving birth. Well, you can make the 9lb 11 inch baby a thing of the past. By merely imbibing large amounts of alcohol you can reduce the size of your newborn making childbirth a cinch. Also alcohol has the added benefit of assuages fears of childbirth, motherhood, and bringing a child into this violent, sometimes hateful, and polluted world. But you must start drinking now before you reach your third trimester and the baby has grown to large. If you have mated with a tall man, or with a fat man or tall fat man and are thinking, "Oh god what have I gotten myself into!!!!" You might want to up your birthsize medication to Crack/Cocaine. Crack (as it is called for short) is a smoked medication that has been around for more than 20 years. At first crack was used to keep city folks from worrying about finding jobs and having families. Relatively recently, doctors have found it highly effective in maintaining fetus size to tiny tiny. If you smoke crack 3-4 times a day starting at the begining of your pregnancy and continue consumption until the day your water breaks you may need a microscope to find your child. Isn't that exciting. Plus, crack is a great pain reliever for natural childbirth as well as for c-sections.

1 comment:

Carolyn said...

Bullsh*t, Parenta. I have been rollin' the rock since day 1 and she still weighs 2 pounds, 3 ounces. THIS IS YELLOW JOURNALISM AT ITS FINEST!