Tuesday, August 02, 2005

ACL Who?

My latest temp job is for an investment bank. To get this job I had to allow them to finger print me. When I asked if I could get the prints back when my assignment with the firm was done, they said, "No, we keep them for our records." What the hell do they need my prints for? I know I'm a goddess and my fingerprints are divine, but please, take my photo ID when I leave as a keep sake. It's quite the picture. Most people can't pull off being photographed under the florescents, but mine looks like a Herb Ritz corporate photo id.

As if my fingerprints weren't enough they then made me sign a paper stating I would submit to a drug test when asked. First my prints now my urine. If this is how it is while I'm an unknown I can't imagine what celebrities go through. I have no plans to pee in a cup for them. What does an investment bank need with my urine, my protiens, my dna? And who cares if I smoke crack? I sit at desk all day. Am I endangering anyone? If you're that concerned take the wheels off the chairs.

In fact, employees with drug habits would probably be supreme and more loyal. Because a drug addict needs to keep the decent paying job in order to have the money to pay for his/her habit. And a crackhead is willing to work. We see this in their willingness to get on their knees or perform other sexual acts with unsavory people in exchange for crack. What's interesting is many drug dependent people choose this way to procure their fix instead of the regular day job. What does this say about the day job? Perhaps, working at an investmant bank is worse than fellatio given outside in the dead of winter surrounded by broken glass and offensively smelling garbage.

The fingerprints and the urine are mine and I don't think they should keep them even if they want to be surrounded by my fabulousness after I depart-- and I will leave, I always do, isn't that right, boys? However, I have a sneaking suspicion that corporate America doesn't want these things because of my Grace and Charm, but rather because they plan to frame me for insider trading or some other nefarious dealings. I've seen the "Net." I know. Big corporations are always breaking the law and stealing money. Wouldn't they love to pin it on little old me the next time they get caught.

But not this cookie. Nope. Starting today I'm refraining from imbibing any liquids. I can't pee in a cup if my bladder is empty.

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