Monday, August 08, 2005

Tossin' and Turnin' a Turnin' and Tossin'

I didn't sleep at all last night. I just laid in my bed unable to sleep, mind racing. It reminded me of a funny, little, sleepless evening in Portland.

One night while hanging out after a show my friend Edie, turns to me and says, "We're going to party like rock stars tonight!"
"You got us a hotel room to trash?"--I asked
"No."
"An expensive sports car to total?"
"No."
"Hookers and some coke?"
"No."
"What do you have?"
"Mah Wang"
"What the hell is Mah Wang?"
"It's a herbal upper they sell them at the Vitamin Shop. Like Red Bull in a pill."
So when you say rockstars do you mean like the guys from Striper?"
"Who?... Listen, Rachael, we're going to stay out all night see the fire-dancing strippers at Dante's."
I took one of these Mah Wang's opened up the capsule and poured the contents into my hard- drinking, strawberry daquri. I had to empty the pill because this rock star can't swallow pills. ROCK AND ROLL!! This was about 11pm PST. We headed over to Dante's, a club my visiting father once described as a dive, but the rest of Portland thought of as hip central. After 7 minutes there we left Dante's as it was too crowded for Edie's boyfriend. You know how crowds ruin out of control partying. We took our entourage (Me, Edie and her man) over to an empty Irish pub and had a couple of drinks. It was just us and a melancholy Irish Folk singer singing his songs of woe. At about midnight Edie expressed that she was tired and had to work the next day.
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, it's getting late."-- she said matter of factly.
Getting late. How could it be late? I was wide wide WIDE awake. It felt like 3pm on a Saturday. Turns out Mah Wang isn't so much Red Bull as it is legal crack. "Didn't you take a Mah Wang?" I asked. "Yeah, how do you think I was able to stay up this late?"
"I don't know because you're not fifty!"
They got into their car and drove home. I got on my bicycle and pedale pedale pedaled to the karaoke bar I was sadly a regular at. "Hey guys, i'd love a drink. And hey do you need someone to sweep up? I totally could sweep up or, how about do your books? Math is always fun, I'll have a drink and then probably another and then i'll sweep. Or I'll sweep and drink and then do your books. Wow, I wonder if I had another arm if i could do all three at once. I wonder if i had a third arm if anyone would date me? Could I go on a date and sweep? Sweep the entire world..." and so on until they kicked me out at 3am.
Drunk and full of pep I rode my trusty steed home. I placed myself in my bed and just was. I felt myself sober up and become hungover as the morning light began to shine through my window. My alarm went off as I watched the the clock turn to 7:00 am. Ill, I fell into some clothes and headed out the door to bike to work. "Wow," I thought as I climbed the hill up Barber Blvd "I'm really flying, and on no sleep." This is what happens when a high strung, tightly wound, 103 pound neurotic takes an upper.

At about noon as I sat in my cubicle the Mah Wang betrayed me. Left me- sleep deprived and foodless. I wanted to cry, I wanted to sleep, I wanted to kill Edie. Instead I called her. "I feel like death. I just crashed and I have five more hours to be here."
"Yeah, you just got take another one."
I didn't. I didn't have any. And even if I did I didn't have a Darquiri to wash it down with and if I did, I'm not insane. And even if I am insane...there are limits.

The Mah Wang set off a chain of events and by the end of the week I was fired. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

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