Thursday, August 11, 2005

Learn me some of that

People are freaking out about education lately. You got folks in New York City all up in arms because the new sex education curriculum for middle schoolers omits birthcontrol as a topic of discussion as well as sexual orientation. And then you got your crazies, you know the ones who like science, having strokes because the Kansasisians are going to teach Intelligent Design** in their public schools.

You all need to chill. Why are you concerned about what teachers are vomitting on their students? Americans don't learn anything in school. Example, I received nothing but A's and B's in the subject of English throughout my public school career; and look at this blog! What a blatan disregard for grammar, and let us not get started on my spelling. And, I'll tell you when I was in 8th grade we learned all about sex and contraception, again I got an A. And I didn't loose my virginity until I was 21 (don't worry I found it). Apparently, that all went into my short term memory and then vanished.

According to John Blight in his book Yeah Right "97% of Americans don't know that Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of the United States." (OK so I made that source up, but I don't know how to do actual research. Making up sources is the only skill I've kept from my public school education. A skill that carried me through college.)

I think we should start teaching kids that fairies created the earth in 86 days and 7 nights. And that babies are made in Indonesian factories where the workers are chained to the baby sewing machines for 18 hours a day. If we teach them this stuff by the time they're twenty they are sure not to know it. Which is perfect because it's not true. Or is it? Who the hell can remember.

What I do know is the quadratic equation: x = negative b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac all divided by 2a. And knowing that has made all the difference.
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**Intelligent Design: The theory that Jesus Christ used his magical powers to create single cell organisms which he then turned into wine. The wine then evolved into a clever serpent responsible for all the vegetation on the Earth. After the world was populated by plants John Smith descended from Heaven with seven wives of all different races. Using telepathy John Smith impregnated these women and populated the Earth. (I'm paraphrasing of course.)

3 comments:

Allison said...

Did you learn the quadratic equation in our physics class? Because the only thing I learned in there was that Lisa What's-her-face was bulimic.

I like how your theory of intelligent design is like a smorgasbord of science and religion.

Alicia said...

I've actually been lucky enough NOT to remember the quadratic formula.

Carolyn said...

A squared plus B squared equals 2 squared abs. Add 4 and you could have a six pack! I love beer....