Staying Tuned

picture from Del Water Gap in NJ

Because I had to endure some asshole nervously bitch through a microphone about the Garden State I am going to post my New Jersey sketch. For Context I wrote this for a show in Portland, OR

Jersey Slide Show

The Bar, A man sits at the bar with a glass of water, on stage RACHAEL and MARK are in the midst of performing their goonies bit. Sitting at the bar is MAN not paying much attention to the show.

MAN
Ufff! What? Did you get this water from Jersey? How can any one drink this?

BART
You want bottled water?

(RACHAEL crosses from the performing area to the MAN)

RACHAEL
Are you serious?

MAN
What?

RACHAEL
Don’t give me that “what.” The state of New Jersey is an amazing wonderland of nature, beauty, and ideas. You’d be lucky if that water came from New Jersey.

MAN
Just go on with your little show.

RACHAEL
You patronizing.... You’re coming with me.
(RACHAEL walks MAN over to a chair similar to the one in Billy Joel’s “Pressure” video. As she ties him to the chair she speaks her next lines. Or this could be an omage to Clockwork Orange)
You will sit in this chair and learn the truth of the 3rd State of the union. I am sick and tired of this bullshit. Have you even been to New Jersey?

MAN
What exit?

RACHAEL
You truly are clever.
(she gags him)

(The lights go low and a picture of the New Jersey is shown on the screen)
New Jersey, small but mighty.

(Click to a picture of the State lifting weights.)

(Click: picture of corn on the cob)
Oh what’s that? Could it be the most scrumptious corn ever grown on the planet. Sweet and splendid. And yes that’s right grown in the Garden State. That corn isn’t for popping.

(Click: a picture of Albert Einstein)
Hey it’s New Jersey’s good friend Al. When he was fleeing Nazi Germany, he could have taught at any college. Any would have had him. Where did this GENIUS chose to settle?

(Click: a shot of Princeton University)
Were you thinking Harvard?


(Click: picture of Kevin Smith)
But can everyone claim this man? Does Clerks take place in Nebraska? Does Mall Rats take place in Minnesota? Chasing Amy in Utah? I don’t think so.

(Click: picture of Uncle Floyd)
Or Uncle Floyd. OK you don’t know who he is. He had a small roll in Good Morning Vietnam and a Cameo on Law and Order. His public access show has been going for over thirty years. Thirty years! A star like him could have moved to Rhode Island. But he stayed.

(Click: a family on the beach)
Oh the famed Jersey Shore. That’s what we call the beach. Is that a family frolicking in the waves? Why, yes it is. The water is warm enough to swim in. They don’t look blue at all. It’s a paradise right here on Earth.

(Click: a black bear)
Look nature. This bear totaled my car.

(Click: disgusting urban decay and factory misery)
Oops…Ahhh… Look the ever-enduring New Jersey Industry. Yeah sure there’s a factory or two. What state doesn’t have a factory?
(Click: A mobster looking guy with a bat being yelled at by a Hindu)
And multiculturalism. Look at disparate cultures cohabiting together.

(Click: Picture of Dinosaur)
The official state Dinosaur, Hadrosarous found in 1858. The first nearly complete dinosaur skeleton found in the world, it sparked the paleontology revolution my friend. Does your state have an official state dinosaur? Yeah, didn’t think so.
(Rachael does the cabbage patch dance move)

(Click: awful traffic)
And if New Jersey sucks so much, mister water drinker. Then why do so many people live in this little oasis? Hmmm?

MARK
Crosses over to Rachael and Man. He gently grabs RACHAEL and removes her from the MAN.

Rachael. Come on. Step away from the man. He’s just an ignorant drunk.

MAN
Hey. (indignant)

MARK
(to man)
Do you want to watch the documentary? (to RACHAEL) Let’s go we’ll listen to some Sinatra and watch Eddie and the Cruisers.

RACHAEL
I’m sorry. It’s just that people don’t understand.

MARK
I know. It’ll be alright. I have ice cream in the back.

RACHAEL
Ice cream? Is it hand-dipped?

MARK
Straight from Bishoffs.

RACHAEL
They don’t know what that is?

MARK
It’s OK. Come on.

(they exit)

MAN
Hey! What about me! Hello!

(lights out)