Monday, October 03, 2005

Getting Laid Advice

Here's a tip for all you men out there trying to pick up the ladies.

If you catch the eye of lady at a calorie serving establishment and you find out she's a performer, don't give your email to her in hopes to be put on her mailing list. She doesn't want to have to pretend she regularly sends a "newsletter" out informing her five fans and very patient friends and family of her upcoming shows. Nor does she want to begin some witty e-mail correspondence with you, so that maybe one day in 2006 you can find time to go on a date where you'll say something like "I've never heard of Vaudeville. Who's George Burns?" because then she won't have sex with you and then no one wins! And let's face it fellas that shirt of yours that reads "Tengo Grande Coche," is a great conversation starter at 3am with booze flowing through your system, but looses it's charm on an actual date.

Instead, I propose you drop some of the pretense. Get her more liquored up and tell her you think she's cute, even if you don't think it's true. According to pop culture it only matters if she's thinks you're cute and hell she's talking to you isn't she. Then grab a cab, don't bother waiting for the subway because millions of things can go wrong down there and ruin everything. Yeah, a cab is more expensive, I'm sure she'll split it with you, because it's been a month or so for her and she thinks your worth it. Just look at those motor skills you've got and hey you remember how to get home don't you? So go ahead have sex. Then leave. Rinse. Repeat.

Don't give me that, "I don't want to be an asshole and hurt her." Dude, you can't hurt someone who hasn't bother to get your last name. You'll know if she wants to see you again because she'll ask you for your email address so she can "put you on my mailing list or something."

Ladies, I'm sorry I have no advice for you. I have no idea what's going on out there.

3 comments:

Allison said...

That guy lived in Newark, though. And it's like the old saying goes: "A guppy may love a sparrow, but where will they go to 'do it'?"

rachael said...

the comment funnier than the post.

Emily said...

i think you have more then a little advice for the ladies, ms. parenta. like sure, go home and fuck a guy, but if he doesn't have a pillow, don't stick around...