Friday, October 14, 2005

Thank God Jews don't have Hell

I feel I've been very Jewy these last few days and there's no stopping me now.

The Jewish people just finished observing Yom Kippur. I use the word observe rather than celebrate because it's not really festive holiday. It's a holiday that really allows the jewish people to do what they do best--self loathe. However, I think it would be more fun if we did celebrate our atonement. Get together at the syngague with pound of coke. That's right snorting coke isn't eating nor drinking, and it helps with the fasting. We could all run around temple gleefully, "Hey God, I've sinned all year and what a year it was. Yeehaw! Pass me another line, baby." I think more Jews should use the word 'Yeehaw.' Instead of casting bread into a body of water we could cast cards out on the kitchen table while playing sin 'go fish.'
"Do you have adultery?"
"Go fish"
"What am I jesus?"
"I thought he was a carpenter?"
"heh?"
"what'd he say?"
"Don't worry about it just keep playing."
"Do you have bearing false witness?"
"Hells yeah! Man, March seems like only yesterday when I bore false witness to get on Judge Judy. I bore false witness against my neighbor, Saul the Tailor. But Lord I see how that hurt Saul and his family. The benefits of a tv credit do not out way the pain and suffering I caused. They had to shell out $750 to Sheldon. I have to admit now on the holiest days I never saw anyone make fun of Sheldon for wearing nut-huggers. In fact I must admit I never saw Sheldon wearing nut-huggers and but I lied and said I saw the awful inseem job Saul had done. I won't do it again. Unless Oprah calls. But even god would sin for some time with Oprah. Right Yahweh. Ohh yeah"

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